It’s that time of year when people everywhere evaluate their performance in a variety of areas and determine what needs adjustment. Spending time with family is one such area. You may be thinking, “I spend quality time with my spouse and kids.” I applaud the thought. The reality is that ministers who talk about quality time are typically making excuses for the lack of quantity time they spend with their families. Benjamin Kerns writes, 

“There is no such thing as quality time. Raising a child is all about quantity time. During all the time we have together, we add little bits of sand and dirt to the concrete mixture. Little by little these conversations, experiences, and activities build the foundation for kids’ love and trust in you—and in God. So, if we wait for that perfect, quality, time to begin these conversations, we will realize that all we have done is punted the spiritual development of our kids so far down the field that any sort of conversation would seem forced, out of place.”[1]

I want to talk straight with you about the necessity of spending more time with your family. While you read this, ask yourself, “How much time DID I spend with my spouse and children this year?

Family Time Is Ministry Time

The Ministry, with a capital “M,” is a high demand, high energy, high time-consuming occupation. Any one of us can get so caught up in the “important work” God has called us to that we forget the “most important calling,” family.

It was 1983 and I was a young children’s pastor in Oregon. My lead pastor, an older man with one college-aged child, spent 60-70 hours a week at church. I, with a fabulous wife and three young children, attempted to follow his example. I poured myself into the ministry. Without my knowing it, my dedication to the church and people was taking its toll on me and on my family.

While undergoing a check-up, my medical doctor informed me, “If you don’t limit yourself to less than 50 hours a week in ministry, you will be a fat, dead children’s pastor before you turn forty and your wife and kids won’t care because they won’t know you.” That is when I made the change. I chose that day to place my family above my ministry. The incredible reality that followed is that quality children’s ministry grew out of quality, and quantity, family time. 

What Can You Do?

I made a deal with my lead pastor. If he noticed my effectiveness deteriorating he was to call me in. Together we would work on the problem. Until then, I would implement the following changes.*

Take my day off. From that day until now, I’ve kept my regular day off. No communication with church people in any form is allowed on that day. I would never stop by the church to check on projects or pick up my mail. The Sabbath was to be held sacred. At first, Darlene and I just left town every Monday. We eventually learned to cherish Sabbath time weekly without regret. David Crosby Jr. once said in a class here at the University of Valley Forge, “God didn’t intend for us to save up all of our Sabbaths until retirement.”

1. Leave the church office every afternoon at 3:00. This gave me time to meet my kids after school and shoot hoops, help with homework, or just sit. I have never regretted the decision to spend quantity time with my kids during the after-school hours.
2. Observe a regular date night. These have averaged out to about three a month. Now that my kids are grown and have their own families, I am blessed to know and love being with my best friend, Darlene. We laugh, pray, watch stupid TV shows, and go on serendipitous outings. Date night works.
3. Cut my work hours. By limiting myself to less than fifty hours a week, I discovered that I was more effective in every aspect of children’s ministry. My doctor suggested that there is a law of diminishing returns. Once a person works about 45-50 hours he becomes progressively less effective. The idea here is to spend less time working smarter at the church while spending more time enjoying your family at home.

Mark Twain wrote, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.”[2] I grew into ministry way past forty and my wife and kids love me, and I them. I do not regret choosing to improve my ministry by spending time with my family. I encourage you to make that same choice today.

*Note that there are times on the church calendar where these practices may need temporary suspension. Christmas, Easter, and VBS are such times. In these cases, plan to spend extra time with your family before and after the event.